If you want to have more meaningful connections, then I want to offer you the most secret of all sauces.
It’s a social tool called…
vulnerability!
Yes, I know it’s become a bit of a buzzword. But it’s also a powerful practice to return to over and over.
Here are 4 levels of vulnerability (which will make your connections deeper). Each level is progressively scarier and more vulnerable.
Level 0: Set the intention for deeper connection
Before meeting up with whoever you’re meeting up with, it can help tremendously to bring some intention in.
There are approximately a zillion ways to set an intention, but here’s one:
Before exiting your car to knock on your friend’s door, close your eyes and say with sincerity, “I want to set the intention of sharing a deeper level of connection with my friend tonight.”
Level 1 vulnerability: Trust what pops
If something pops into your head, just say it.
This is vulnerable because you are removing your filter and stepping into the unknown.
I’ve found that if I have set an intention for deep connection, then the things that pop into my head will actually lead me there.
Plus, the more you filter yourself, the more you block the flow of the connection.
And you might be thinking, “This is a terrible idea! My brain will say alllll kinds of shit I don’t want to actually share!” So if this really is the case, you could try to say whatever pops into your heart.
Level 2 vulnerability: What are you hiding?
Are there parts of yourself you are hiding? Or feelings you don’t want to be seen?
What would happen if you revealed yourself?
In an attempt to feel safe, some part of you might censor your feelings and hide tender aspects of your personality. This censoring part is likely afraid the other person won’t accept you anymore if you reveal yourself.
For example, I can feel scared to show my playfulness to new people if they aren’t playful first.
Revealing yourself is scary, but it will create emotional intimacy.
Level 3 MAX vulnerability: What is the scariest, truest thing I can say right now?
This type of vulnerability veers into the territory of radical authenticity. It’s not a game everyone wants to play, but for those who do, it can lead to profoundly vulnerable connections.
To do this, when connecting with your friend, take a pause and a breath, and ask yourself, “What is the scariest, truest thing I can say right now?”
What comes up will likely be about the connection (eg I notice I’m feeling judgemental of your lifestyle or I feel attracted to you, etc).
This type of vulnerability could create a rupture, which you’ll then need to repair. However, that’s not a bad thing. The rupture-repair process creates tons of trust and closeness in a connection, even though it’s scary to do.
That being said, this type of vulnerable share is best done if you sense the other person is skilled (enough) in connection and can hold space for what you say. If you drop this type of vulnerability on someone who can’t hold it or in a situation that can’t hold it, then it might be too much and won’t actually serve the connection.
It’s probably best to avoid this vulnerability tool if:
- You think the other person will immediately get defensive
- You don’t trust their capacity to hold space for your feelings
- You feel uncertain how to communicate tricky feelings without becoming accusatory
- You don’t have enough time to process what comes up (eg trying to bring this up between turns at a group bowling party)
But if you feel comfortable leaning into the edge, this is your ticket to vulnerability and feeling close and connected.
I actually just did this with my partner Angela after a gathering with my family, and I found a fascinating part of me that felt protective against Angela “joining” my family. And sharing this did genuinely lead to greater understanding and deeper feelings of connection.
Be gentle
I also invite you to be gentle with yourself! It’s hard to be vulnerable, and sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Or if it’s with family, for example, there might feel like there’s too much friction to go that deep.
As with all parts of life, I find it’s best not to force anything.
Do your best 🙂
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