If you’ve been to any type of workshop where you have to introduce yourself, then it’s likely you’ve been asked to share your pronouns.
Is this widespread norm of pronoun circles a good idea?
Cases against the pronoun circle
For cisgender people (IE you were born with a vulva and go by “she/her,” or a penis and he/him), pronoun circles can feel over the top. After all, we all have loads of identities. Why should we emphasize a person’s gender identity and expect others to memorize it, while ignoring all the other identities of that person?
And there’s some truth to this argument.
We all have multiple identities. Your gender, your sexuality, your race, your occupation, your parental status, your spiritual orientation. If we do pronoun circles, why don’t we also ask people to share if they are spiritual, religious, agnostic, or atheist before a workshop as well?
Despite these compelling arguments, I actually do think there is a good reason we single out pronouns among all the other identities.
Why gender pronouns are different than other identities
Gender is different than all of our other identities because gender is the only identity that we say aloud each time we reference a person.
Literally, every time you say the word “she” to reference a person, you are calling out her gender identity.
The problem with getting someone’s identity wrong
A friend recently told me about an idea called “identity harm.” Which is essentially when you perceive your identity one way and others percieve your identity in a different way.
For example, if you strongly identify as “spiritual but not religious,” it might be annoying if a friend of yours constantly introduces you as a “fellow Christian.”
Maybe that doesn’t sound like such a big deal. And maybe it’s not.
Though as it relates to gender, let’s imagine your name is Larry, you use he/him pronouns, and you see yourself as a man. However, every time I reference you, I refer to you as she/her. “Hi! Meet my friend Larry. I met her a few weeks ago. She is super funny. Oh, Larry’s a hoot, you’re going to love her.”
That might not bother you at all. Though, can’t you imagine that for some of the Larrys out there, each time I misidentified them, it’d create at least a tiny teaspoon of irritation? Possibly even an ounce of hurt?
That irritation or hurt is even more likely if Larry feels insecure in his masculinity, or if his manhood is very core to his self-image, or if people see him as a woman all the time and he’s quite frankly sick of it.
We can’t avoid pronouns
Ideally, pronouns wouldn’t be such a big deal. We could just call people by their names and not really have to think about their gender.
But for better or worse, the English language forces us to label a person’s gender identity each time we reference them with pronouns (EG “I can’t believe what he said!”)
And so when you’re at a workshop, and the facilitator asks everyone for their pronouns, I do think this is a good idea. Usually.
Usually, but not always.
Why not always?
Why it doesn’t make sense to always have a pronoun circle
Imagine the facilitator is cisgender, and so is everyone else in the group. Doing pronoun circles here feels a bit performative. Nobody in this group really thinks about pronouns. So what’s the point?
Or let’s say everyone is cisgender, but there is one non-binary person in the group. Forcing a pronoun circle might actually make it uncomfortable for the non-binary person to “out” themself.
So what’s the solution?
What we should do instead of pronoun circles
I think the best policy is for facilitators to give a round of:
“Share your name. If you’d like, also share your pronouns or any other identities or information that you’d like to be known.”
This gives people a chance to opt in (or out) of sharing pronouns. And it creates room for people to share information about themselves that feels imporant. Which might be another identity. Or it could be that they feel like a shit-stew that day, so if they’re cranky don’t take it personally. Or it could be that they strained their back so please don’t hug them without asking.
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💕 Mike
(PS, meet my pet, Cuddle Pooch Junior! 😉)