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I think it’s worth seeking status.
In fact, I would go even as far as to say that having status is necessary for your emotional wellbeing.
Most people agree that it’s valid to want community, belonging, and connection. But if a friend confided in you that they are pursuing more status, you may barf in your mouth.
In this newsletter, I’ll show you why seeking status is more wholesome than you think, and how to gain it ethically.
What is status?
When I write ‘status,’ I don’t mean Rolex watches or Gucci handbags.
I define status as how respected, valued, and powerful you feel within a community or social group.
Surely you know what it feels like to feel meek and invisible in a group where nobody knows your name or respects your voice. That’s what it’s like to have no status. And it sucks.
On the flip side, have you ever been in a group where you’re a top dog and your voice carries weight? Where you’re a crucial member of the team? That’s status.
Why status is wholesome
Everyone these days wants community (myself included).
But when people say they want “community,” I think they are actually saying three things: “I want group friendship, I want belonging, and I want status.”
Let’s break down each of those community elements:
- Group friendship. Just doing something with a group feels good. There’s a Danish word fælles that means “together.” You can slap that prefix onto any activity to describe the communal version. Fællesspisning is eating communally. Fællescykling is bicycling as a group. Cool idea, right?
- Belonging. Doing a group activity is great, but it feels even better when that group sees and accepts you. When you feel like “part of the gang.”
- Status. Feeling accepted by a group is wonderful, but it feels even better when that group respects your voice, values your presence, and looks to your wisdom.
Wanting status in a group is natural and healthy. And it’s a desire that, frankly, I think more people should own.
One study found that male baboons heal faster and get sick less often when they are higher in rank. Even more compelling: a study of 60,000 people across 123 countries found that feeling respected predicted long-term well-being better than family or money.
Biologically, when you feel respected by your group, you don’t have to worry about falling off the pecking order. And existentially, it gives you a profound feeling of significance; and who doesn’t want to matter?
Why Status has a bad rap
People don’t want to be caught desiring status because it’s associated with slimy corporate ladder climbers, exclusive country clubs, and cringey self-promoting Instagram videos.
These acts reek of inauthenticity.
Status can be intoxicating. And when we lack respect in our communities, we chase its hollow substitutes—fancy job titles, white picket fences, yachts. But these are just cheap stand-ins for what we really want: genuine community respect.
How to think about the status game
Each time you enter a social situation, there’s a “game” (or set of games) you’re playing. You may be pursuing safety, finding laughter, being a troll, increasing status, etc.
When I’m in a group context, here are my favorite social games:
- The connection game. Create intimacy
- Personal growth. Learn about myself and push my edges
- Kindness. Leave people better than I found them
- Status. Find respect and empowerment
Playing the status game is worthwhile—but making it your top priority is a mistake (more on this later).
How to ethically gain status in your communities
To be good at status games, ther are shadowy tactics you can use. Like creating an air of mystery around yourself, or attacking the reputation of those higher than you. Frankly, I don’t recommend these.
They come at a cost to your integrity, and I don’t think it’s ever worth trading your integrity for status. Plus they tank your ability to create authentic, intimate connections. Just not worth it.
Let’s be clear: you can gain status without being a slippery politician or an outspoken alpha. In fact, you’re probably already taking authentic actions that boost your status without realizing it.
With some intention, you can double down on these genuine actions to up your status in groups.
Here are some ethical tools for gaining status in your communities. As you read, think of a specific community you’re part of—whether it’s the partner-dance scene or a friend group.
1. Champion the values of the community.
Every community values specific qualities. If you crush those values, you rise to the top.
One of my hobbies is parkour, and even noobies can earn parkour status.
The community values commitment and conquering fears—so if you train hard and push your edge, you’ll get respect regardless of your athletic prowess.
Pick your communities carefully. If you don’t align with the value set, chasing status in that community will make you miserable.
But if you see the community’s values as worthwhile, then embodying them is a win-win—you’ll become more of who you want to be, while earning cred.
As a personal example, I’m starting to invest in a community in the Bay called “T Group.” It’s an interpersonal practice that values emotional awareness and telling scary truths. I really like these values, so it seems like a good community for me to pursue because amplifying my growth in these areas will also result in higher status.
2. Empower others
One way to get status is to give others status.
If someone seems left out, ask how they’re doing. If someone hasn’t spoken in a group discussion yet, ask their opinion.
Empowering others is a noble act in itself, and it will lift your rank.
For one, you’ll earn goodwill from those who you call in. But more importantly, using power to uplift others shows you can be trusted with more of it.
3. Play the connection game
Remember the social games we talked about earlier? Well, playing the connection game (IE forming meaningful relationships in the group) actually helps you in the status game too.
There’s a principle in social network theory that says that high status people tend to:
- Be connected to most people and
- Have the strongest relationships
Picture you’re at a house party—
When you have lots of friends there, you’re comfortable and in your element. You’re cracking jokes, doing the Macarena, and welcoming newcomers. That’s high status.
But when you know no one, you feel on the fringe. You’re doing anxious laps between the snack table and bathroom. That’s low status.
Authentic relationships boost your status in a group because you have more friends, more social comfort, and more people who have your back.
Of course, don’t fake friendships for status—it usually feels gross when someone prioritizes status over genuine connection.
And you might be thinking, “But Mike, I’m shy and don’t want to meet tons of people!” That’s valid. Having fewer connections does mean less status, but you get to choose which games to play and how to play them. And there are plenty of other ways to build status.
4. Get good at the activity you are gathering around.
If your community gathers around a skill, then being good at that skill will earn you respect.
Let’s take parkour again. If you go to a parkour jam, the person who can do sick backflips on handrails will get respect, even if they’re socially awkward.
5. Keep the group together
Everyone’s status in a group cannot exist if the group doesn’t exist. If the group doesn’t meet and stay intact, then people can’t derive status from the group.
So even if you kinda suck at the group activity, if you support the health of the community you’ll earn respect. You’ll become a necessary pillar.
Maybe you schedule the hangouts. Maybe you host (I recall in my middle school that the kids with the hangout houses got status). Maybe you help people resolve their beef.
If you contribute to community health, you’ll be vital.
A note of caution
Status can be seductive.
While it’s definitely good to have status and healthy to want it, overprioritizing it can be a trap.
Find the right dosage where you’re thinking about it enough to acquire it for yourself, but not enough where it sucks you from your authenticity.
When you start to see that your new values and beliefs cause others to see you with glitter-eyed awe, you might lose yourself in those values and beliefs.
For these reasons, I wouldn’t tend to recommend taking actions solely for the sake of status.
That’s when things can feel deceptive.
For example, if I choose to befriend someone just because it’ll improve my status, that feels disrespectful to their dignity.
But if I choose to befriend them because I am seeking connection, and I have the bonus knowledge that this may give me status, then this feels more reasonable.
Status should be one factor in how you move through social spaces—but never the only one, nor the top one.
TLDR
Ther are lots of kinds of social “games” to play in group settings. When I connect with people I like to pursue:
- Intimacy
- Personal growth
- Being kind and helpful
- Increasing my status
Status is a worthwhile game to play because being high status gives you confidence and wellbeing. Studies suggest it improves your emotional and physical health.
There are ways to play the status game that are slimy. Don’t do those.
There are also ways to play that are ethical and that line up with your authenticity and integrity. Do those.
The main tools I use to gain status are:
- Embody the values of the community (if I agree with the values)
- When I have power, use it to empower others
- Make genuine connections
- Get good at the shared communal activity
- Look after the group’s health
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