Owning the Narcissist

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As someone who posts consistently on FB, I would like to acknowledge that there is a part of me that….likes the smell of my own shit.

I have looked at my photos countless times, and when I post a piece of writing, I often read it and re-read it and re-read it as some kind of intellectual masturbation.

It’s the same part of me that ogles my flexed bicep in the mirror. That admires my outfit as I walk by a large-windowed storefront. That thinks my shit don’t stank. That took the attached photo.

There is absolutely another part of me that hates myself. The part of me that thinks I’m worthless, hideous, hopeless, and begs me to take down everything I post before anyone sees it.

My inner narcissist self-worshipper and inner insecure self-hater.

It’s funny though – at this point it’s a lot easier to make posts that cast light on the self-hater. Because it makes me seem relatable, and human. It’s vulnerable, but in a way where I believe people will like and support me. It used to be scary, but it’s gotten easier.

What is harder for me is allowing space for the part of me that thinks I’m hot AF, clever AF, self-aware AF, thoughtful AF, real AF, kind AF, and that everyone should love and adore me for all my AFs.
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There are many folks out there playing the facebook vulnerability posting game. Here are two very sneaky traps in this game:

1. We never really know why we post what we post. Secret motivations are always muddled in the mix. This share is an effort to isolate one of my own.

2. Sure, we love posting vulnerable stuff…but only the *good* vulnerable stuff. Even vulnerable and authentic sharing can be hijacked by the ego for its own image.

My narcissist is not something I’ve openly shared to almost anyone before. It’s scary. As I post this I feel myself fearing that you’ll hate me for it, while simultaneously hoping you’ll adore me for it.

I’m sure I’ll never fully escape these traps as long as I’m playing any human game — though I’ve always been a ‘the only way out is through’ kind of guy.
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Culture has impressed a message on us where we mustn’t like ourselves too much, mustn’t make ourselves too big, mustn’t be too self-indulgent. There is without doubt great wisdom in this. And. It can keep us small. So damn many of us keep rampant our self-bashing insecurities under the guise of ‘noble humility.’ We lock up the parts of ourselves that truly believe we are magnificent, at fear of them getting out of control and too big.

Sure, there’s a narcissist in me. And I’m terrified of him. But I’m willing to let him out of the cage on the path to believing in my own magnificence.

Besides, what doesn’t get brought to light, tends to secretly pull the strings from the shadows. When left unconscious, my narcissist screams anytime someone is getting attention that I should be getting. He gets upset at popular facebook posts that I could’ve written, he cringes at workshops that I could’ve facilitated, he leers at the joketeller who stole *my* glory. His range of triggers become a wonderful compass for that which I value.

When left in the dark, my narcissist is creating more judgment and separation from others. But letting myself bring him out fully, I can give him air, observe him, free myself from him, and integrate his power and wisdom.

As I release this up to the world, I can feel him both dissolving and growing at the same time. Losing his grip on me while gaining power.
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I hope in posting this that other FB-posting people might examine how their own narcissist shadow seeps through the cracks, as well as other hidden motivations laced in their posts.

I hope that anyone reading this might feel more permission for their own shit-don’t-stank self, and any other shame-caged parts of their expression. Look at your image in the pond’s surface, fall in love with your reflection. Shit, even fall in the pond – you can get back out. It’s okay. It’s not “un-spiritual,” it might just be a part of your human.

Lastly I’m posting this both because I hope you’ll like me more for it, and because I want to show off that I’m clever, self-aware, honest, sexy, and stankless.

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