When I was a teenager I had a few sexual fantasies that really turned me on. They involved dominance, submission, and a couple of fetishes. But they were buried under a shame of unimaginable mass. The only time any mention of my secret desires came out of me was in the pornhub search bar. And despite my secret world of fantasy, I went about my day-to-day pretending to both myself and the world that I was a “normal” heterosexual dude who wanted nothing more than to have missionary sex and receive a copious quantity of blowjobs.
In my early twenties I took a big step. I started to tell my friends that I was “into bdsm.” It was a period of coming-out. Lots of weight got lifted. But I stated it like I was confessing that I had just killed a parakeet or something. My sexuality felt like something I had to admit.
Within a few years I fell in love with my first partner. We started to get a little kinky. But truthfully, I wasn’t ready to engage sexually. I was afraid of my desires. I didn’t know what my boundaries were; and even if I did, I didn’t know how to voice them. I was also beginning to face my non-straight attractions for the first time, which added some serious instability to our relationship – me not being clear on my sexual identity and whatnot. I was a mess. A sexual identity crisis ensued for the next year and a half.
I considered becoming a monk, partially so I would never have to deal with sex again.
While it was hard to shake the belief that my sexuality was incurably wrong and damaged, a tiny flicker in my being longed unwaveringly for shameless sexual liberation.
And so I kept walking towards that flicker, and my sexual journey continued. I went celibate for about a year to reset. I attended classes on bdsm. I studied sacred sexuality. I went to sex parties. I read sex books. I started to self-pleasure every day to explore my sexual energy. I read erotic fiction and began to write my own. I danced in hot, tiny undies at gay nightclubs. I worked at a kinky sex shop. I found a wonderful partner who is excited to heal, explore, and create sexually together. I enrolled in sexological bodywork training. And I began to lead groups where I made space for people to appreciate and understand their own sexual journeys.
I’ve come to a point where I feel sexually healthy. Years ago I *never* imagined I could appreciate and admire my sexual expression. It sure as hell hasn’t been a cake walk. Who would’ve thought sexuality could be fun, self-reflective, and connecting??? Don’t get me wrong, I still have *plenty* of work to do, but I have passed a threshold which used to feel impossibly tall.
I’ve come to appreciate sexuality as a portal into cathartic expression, psychedelic intimacy, self-knowledge, and personal empowerment.
On my journey into the portal of sexuality I’ve discovered and ascribed to four keystone principles:
1 – Find where I feel sexual shame and share it with a safe listener. Over, and over, and over again.
2 – Celebrate when I get triggered in moment of intimacy. Voice it to my partner, and sit together in the vulnerability.
3 – Constantly try new things. How can I touch myself differently? How can I use my voice differently? How can I bring my emotions into sex differently?
4 – Develop a deep sexual relationship with myself. I am my primary sexual partner – and in this relationship I get to explore my erotic energy, my body, and my sexual imagination.
I work with individuals and facilitate groups to help people heal, empower, and explore the sexuality; find deeper, more exciting, and more authentic forms of intimacy, and develop a wild sex-lives with themselves.
I’ve led groups for several years to help folks evolve along their sexual journeys – and I’ve discovered that almost everyone has shame in their sexuality. People have shame in their desires, their boundaries, their bodies, their sounds, their faces of ecstasy.
I’ve come to appreciate the discovery of new spots of shame as akin to finding an Easter egg, because shame reveals a pocket of oneself that has not yet been integrated. And with integration comes power.
The fully trust the ongoing process of de-shaming, empowering expression, and explorative growth to lead people into their own sexual truth, and into a shared intimate truth with their partners.
Sexuality is no doubt a winding and intense journey. And my heart is wide open to anyone who feels called to walk towards their flicker.