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This post is a “learning in public” style share about how to find your people.
I’ll take you through the 5 steps of making friends that I’m using in my own life.
I recently moved to Berkeley after years of nomad-ing, and I’m actively building my connection-iverse from scratch. I want to take you behind the scenes about how I’m approaching it.
I think this will be interesting to you if:
➡️ You experience loneliness
➡️ You are seeking to develop deeper relationships
➡️ You want a friend group or a community
➡️ You’re a connection nerd like me 🤓
The arc from stranger to friend
If you want to form new connections, here’s a basic formula:
- Pick a watering hole. Find a group of people who regularly meet
- Become a regular there. Start to recognize people’s faces
- Get to know people’s names. Say hello a lot
- Strike up conversations. Become acquaintances
- Invite acquaintances to hang out. Turn acquaintances into friends
So the arc from turning a stranger into a friend looks like this:
Ok let’s break down each of those steps.
1. Pick a watering hole (find a group of strangers)
The first step is to choose a community that meets regularly. For example, a weekly dance event, an improv class, or a drawing meetup.
That’s the watering hole. It’s a specific place that a consistent group of people return to week after week.
I’d recommend picking a community that reflects the core values you want in new relationships.
For example, I am seeking friends who value vulnerable conversation. I’m much more likely to meet those people at a group therapy event than at a basketball court. So even though I love playing basketball, I am choosing to slant my time more toward connection-y activities because my priority is to meet like-hearted people.
It took me exploring about 12-15 different watering holes in Berkeley before I decided to commit to two of them: Relatefulness (a group practice based on honesty and presence) and Bonobo Network (a sex party community based on consent). I feel confident I can find the people I am looking for in these two spaces.
Question for you: What values do you want your friends to share? Where do people with those values hang out?
2. Become a regular (turn strangers to familiar faces)
Next, you want to become a face other people recognize.
Once you’ve picked your watering hole event/s, you just show up every week. Every week!
Consistency is super key here. If you just keep showing up then people will eventually recognize you (and you them)
3. Get to know everyone’s name (turn familiar faces into known names)
Next, you want to become a name people know. Each time you visit your watering hole, introduce yourself to as many people as possible and remember their names.
You don’t even need a line. You could just say, “Hey, what’s your name?”
Then greet them the next time you see them. If you consistently acknowledge each other over time, you will build familiarity.
It feels really good to go to an event and to say hi to a lot of people who you’ve met before.
Don’t you want to feel like this? 3:05-3:19
4. Strike up conversations (turn known names into acquaintances)
Once you know someone’s name, just ask, “how’s your day going so far?”
Even if your conversation only lasts 30 seconds, the door has been opened. The next time you see each other, there is space for either of you to further the conversation.
Keep opening up small talk with people, and the conversations will get more and more involved.
5. Invite people to hang out (turn acquaintances into friends)
If the only place you ever talk to someone is at your shared watering hole, then you are acquaintances, not friends.
They don’t become a friend until you’ve hung out with them in a different context at least 2 times (I got that arbitrary number from Keith Ferazzi).
To turn an acquaintance into a friend, you must be proactive in inviting them to hang out.
It can be a little scary, but it’s actually pretty simple.
Right now, I’m challenging myself to set up at least one in-person 1-on-1 date per week with someone.
Here’s one way to do it:
1️⃣ Get their #. If you small-talk with an acquaintance at the watering hole, and you have solid chemistry, first ask them if they’d be open to exchanging contact info.
2️⃣ Msg them to meet. Then send them a follow up message and say you enjoyed connecting and you wanted to see if they’d be interested in meeting up.
Don’t overthink what activity you invite them to. Coffee is fine!
Here’s a message I sent someone recently:
I wrote:
“hey [name], it was great connecting with you tonight 🙂”
He wrote:
“Likewise Mike!”
I wrote:
“im curious if you’d be interested in meeting up for a walk or a tea to connect further?
I’d enjoy diving deeper into our conversation, and would like to hear more about your life, interests, and worldview
Let me know if you’re interested, and if you currently have capacity/space. No offense taken at all if it doesn’t feel like the right time or the right offer 🙂”
Pretty simple, right?
I personally also like to give people an out (like in my last sentence above) so they don’t feel any pressure or neediness coming from me.
Question for you: Are there any proposals you want to make but are shying away from?
What if you feel awkward inviting people to hang out?
The idea of inviting people to coffee might feel uncomfy—maybe you feel resistant to putting yourself out there or moving things along too fast.
And yes, admittedly, it can feel cringe to invite someone to meet up if there wasn’t enough of a foundation built first. There is a thin line between being proactive and forcing the pace.
This ultimately comes down to having a pulse on which connections feel alive. If you felt like a connection had aliveness to it, then why wait?
You may not see the person again for months (or ever!). So if there is a spark of chemistry, jump through the fire!
Connections won’t always develop organically by themselves. Usually, someone needs to make an invitation to deepen things.
It is vulnerable to put yourself in the position to get rejected, but that courage is what will make a connection develop.
Am I overthinking all this?
Some readers might feel like this approach is wayyy too “intentional.” Here’s a “midwit meme” I created to make fun of what I’ve written so far:
TBH there’s some truth to this. I have a new friend I met a few months ago; we get along really well and I’m excited about the potential of our connection. And how did I meet her?
We happened to be working next to each other at a café!
So yes, sometimes you can meet people without trying. But I think it’s foolish to count on chance encounters.
That’s why I think the best approach is to act with intention and be open to unexpected opportunities if they come your way.
Stay connected
If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to join my newsletter. I’ll share ideas and workshops about the intersection of connection and personal growth.
💕 Mike