Hi friend!
How you deal with conflict will make or break your relationships.
The better you are at conflict, the more intimate, open, and healthy all of your relationships will be.
Ultimately being “good” at conflict comes down to how well you can notice and communicate your emotions.
In this newsletter, we’ll go through four levels of dealing with emotional conflict. It’s valuable to recognize all four of these, though I think Level 4 is the one people talk about the least.
Level 1—Unconsciously Reactive
Level 1 is what makes reality TV dramas so engrossing (and disturbing).
It’s when you’re not using emotional self-awareness.
At Level 1, when you feel hurt, you sulk silently, hoping the other person will ask what’s wrong. When you feel frustrated, some edge sneaks into your voice. When you feel jealous, you flirt right in front of the other person to try to make them jealous.
Don’t get me wrong, we all have these impulses. But if you consistently act them out without any self-awareness, then you are going to be a walking magnet for chaos, emotional harm, and unhealthy conflict.
Level 2—Consciously Non-Reactive
Level 2 is what many communication modalities (EG non-violent communication) help teach.
Instead of acting out, you honestly tell the other person how you’re feeling.
Eek! Vulnerability! Yes it’s scary, but it’s what creates intimacy.
In Level 2, you create distance between yourself and your emotions. When you depersonalize from your feelings, you can huddle with the other person and investigate your emotional reaction together.
Like this:
In Level 2 you also don’t blame the other person for your feelings. And you try to take responsibility where you can.
It might sound like:
“Hey Elizabeth, I wanted to say something a little vulnerable. When you were hanging out with Chris earlier, I noticed I started to feel jealous and possessive.”
(And just to be clear, this is very different from saying “When you were hanging out with Chris earlier, you made me feel jealous.” )
Level 3—Unconsciously Non-Reactive
Level 3 is when you’ve practiced Level 2 so much, that it becomes automatic.
Your default communication style in conflict becomes sharing your emotions vulnerably.
Don’t expect to be perfect. If you’re anything like me, sometimes you’ll still tease your partner passive-aggressively instead of voicing your frustration. Or you’ll pretend everything is okay with a friend when you actually feel insecure.
That said, these will become exceptions to the norm. For the most part, in Level 3 you’ve learned to communicate responsibly.
Level 4—Consciously Reactive
You can spend your whole life in Level 3 and have super healthy relationships. But Level 4 requires even more vulnerability, nuance, and skillfulness.
It’s where you act out your feelings. Just like in Level 1. Except you do it consciously.
It’s one thing to say, in a stable and adult voice, “When you were late, I noticed the experience of hurt in my body.” Or “I noticed a part of me felt hurt.”
These are all really good. But do you see how they could be more vulnerable?
When you are non-reactive, you create separation between you and your emotions. This lets you articulate your feelings more clearly and it makes them easier for the other person to receive.
But it’s also less vulnerable. Less personal. And less healing than actually speaking from your feelings.
Instead of saying “I noticed a part of me felt hurt.” What if you actually let yourself become that scared, hurt part? If you took on its voice and mannerisms and spoke from the feelings?
Is this more vulnerable, connecting, and healing?
Yes.
Is it potentially more triggering for the other person?
Also yes.
If every time you try communicating in this way, one of you gets triggered, then it’s time to communicate with a distance between you and your emotions again.
You can also practice “consciously reacting” by:
- Wrestling with your partner when you feel angry at them
- Throwing a tantrum when you feel upset, and even over-the-toppedly blaming the other person for your feelings
- Getting real small and disappearing into your partner’s embrace when you’re scared
To be fair, Level 4 isn’t really “better” than Level 3. They both work. And they both have their drawbacks.
I do a lot of “conscious reacting” with my partner Angela. But I also fall into the traps of Level 4 all the goddamn time.
The Traps of Level 4
So the thing about being consciously reactive is that if you do it enough, it starts to become unconscious.
At a certain point, instead of consciously expressing a temper tantrum, you’re legit just having a temper tantrum.
If you get sloppy then Level 4 (concious reactivity) circles back to Level 1 (unconscious reactivity) And at that point, the cycle repeats itself and it’s time to practice non-reactivity in Level 2. Ad infinitum.
How about you?
How do you tend to show up in conflict?
Would you like to try being a little less reactive? Or do you have that down and want to try consciously reacting a bit more?
Stay connected
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💕 Mike