As I’m sure you know, if you get close enough to someone, you’ll eventually step on an emotional pinecone. You’ll feel upset, frustrated, or hurt by them. The good news: you can communicate these difficult feelings in a way that actually creates more connection.
I’ve had the great fortune of finding myself in several conflicts recently. So I’d like to harvest some learnings to share with you so that you can more gracefully glide through your next period of emotional disconnection.
Okay. Let’s do it. Three common mistakes to avoid in emotional conflict:
Mistake #1: Sulking
ulking is when you feel hurt or upset with your partner, but instead of voicing your feelings, you silently withdraw into yourself, hoping they’ll notice the damage they’ve done.
You make your upsetness visible. But not too visible. The goal of a sulk is for your partner to approach you and say (with a tinge of guilt) “Hey sweetie, you seem upset, what’s wrong?”
The problem with sulking
The problem with sulking is that you are actually acting passive-aggressively. You are putting your partner in a position to mindread what is happening for you. And you are making them take the initiative to clear the air instead of doing the vulnerable thing and sharing your hurt.
What to do instead of sulking
Tell your partner how you feel.
Usually, people sulk when they are hurt. So you will have to say: “This is really vulnerable, but when you said that earlier, I felt hurt.”
Mistake #2: Swallowing Your Discomforts
This one is for all the people-pleasers and conflict-avoiders out there!
Hypothetical: your friend did something that grated you, but you didn’t say anything. Instead, you assumed your irritation with them was small enough that you could easily let it go.
Except, for some reason, when you try to let your irritation go, it doesn’t go anywhere. It sticks to you like wet toilet paper to your hand.
And then, every time you see them, you can feel this thing niggling in the back of your head that’s preventing you from feeling totally open with your friend.
The problem with swallowing your discomforts
The reality is, letting go is really hard.
In fact, I think in 99% of cases, the best way to let go of upsetness in a connection is through conversation, not sorting it out on your own.
What to do instead of swallowing your discomforts
If something is getting in the way of you feeling connected to your friend, you must voice it.
It will be scary, and you’ll probably want to avoid the conversation as long as possible. But the more you put it off, the bigger a block it will make in your connection.
Mistake #3: Assuming Your Desire is Only Valid if the Other Person Wants It Too
Let’s say you’ve noticed that you want more quality time with your partner. You see each other every 2 weeks, and you realize that you’d like to see them every week.
When you share this with them, they agreed to see you every week; and this upsets you. Sure they agreed to your request—but the fact that they didn’t want to make the same request themself is borderline offensive!
The problem with assuming your desire is only valid if the other person wants it too
The problem here is that you are trying to control your partner’s desires.
That never works. Trying to control what someone wants is like trying to control what emotions they feel. You can’t. They are a separate entity from you with their own desires, needs, boundaries, and feelings.
The way a healthy relationship functions is when you both voice your desires, needs, boundaries, and feelings and then you navigate how to move forward with each other as gracefully as possible.
What to do instead of trying to change their desire
Own your desires.
If you want to see your partner more often, own that that’s what you want. And if your partner agrees to it, then appreciate them for acting within their consent and meeting your request with a full heart.
Why Conflict Is Important
I used to HATE conflict and emotional vulnerability. I would dodge emotional discomfort like this guy is dodging these older folks:
Though through many years of practice and supportive relationships, I’ve come to realize that conflict is one of the most powerful sources of connection.
Here’s why:
- Conflict unearths a deeper thread that needs to be voiced
- To share your experience of the relationship is inherently vulnerable, which creates growth and connection
- To be able to voice your needs, desires, emotions, boundaries, and trauma patterns is a heck of a practice of self-knowledge.
The next time you feel yourself blocked in one of your connections, I encourage you to take a moment and see if there’s something you need to share.
Is there a hurt you felt that you’ve been hiding through subtle sulking?
Did the other person aggravate you in some way that you’ve been hiding?
Do you have a desire you haven’t voiced because you are afraid it’s not valid?
The more vulnerable you can be, the more connected you’ll feel.
I wish you all the best in your journey of connections!
Stay in touch!
Thanks for reading 🙂
If you’d like to stay in touch, you can join my newsletter below. This is where I’ll share insights and events to help make your relationships healthier and catalyze your self-actualization 🙌🏻
One Reply to “3 Errors Most People Make in Emotional Conflict”
Comments are closed.