In this post, I want to clarify my take on:
♥️ Is romance a real thing?
♥️ How can you create romantic feelings in another person?
(The first part is theory. If you just want practical tips on how to sweep someone off their feet, then skip to the section called “The Recipe for Creating Romantic Feelings.”)
What is Romance?
There are three versions of romance.
1️⃣ Genuine Romance
2️⃣ Fairy Tale Romance
3️⃣ Romance Kink
Let’s start with Genuine Romance.
Genuine Romance is a feeling toward another person that combines admiration, excitement, and a desire for intimacy.
Receiving another person’s Genuine Romance (assuming it’s welcome) can be extremely heart-opening. It can also create an almost surreal sense that you are experiencing magic together.
There are specific ways to express Genuine Romance skillfully so that another person receives it. We’ll get to those at the end of this post.
Genuine Romance is a quality of the heart. In the same way that forgiveness, gratitude, or compassion are qualities of the heart.
None are the whole experience of the heart. But they all come from the heart.
It also is important to clarify that romance is not the same as sustainable love. This is what every rom-com gets wrong. Two characters reciprocate romantic feelings, so of course they should get married, right?
Wrong!
Romance is a specific feeling. The existence of romance does not at all guarantee a loving, secure relationship.
Who can access romantic feelings?
Feelings of romance are extremely accessible early in a relationship. When you’re in that honeymoon/NRE period, what feels better than writing a song for your beloved?
Doing that same action 6 years into a relationship can still be enjoyable, but will likely take a little more willpower. I still try to do romantic actions for my partner, but they’re often tasks on my to-do list rather than spontaneous outpourings.
For some people, romance arises exclusively with partners or sexual lovers. However for others (myself included), romance can also arise with non-sexual friends.
There are also people who identify as aromantic, which means that they don’t experience romantic attraction.
Ok, let’s touch on why romance gets a bad rap, and why it’s confusing. Then I’ll give tips on how to effectively sweep someone off their feet.
Why Romance Gets a Bad Rap
As we’ve covered, Genuine Romance is a quality of the heart. So why are there cynics who think romance is for phonies? After all, you’d be harder-pressed to find a cynic who thinks that forgiveness is a hoax.
The reason is that romance has been distorted by the Fairy Tale Narrative and co-opted by capitalism.
The Fairy Tale Narrative is a set of beliefs encoded into the American subconscious about love, partnership, and romance. A lot of it is based on a toxic version of monogamy and outdated gender norms.
Here are a few beliefs that make up the Fairy-Tale Narrative:
- 🧚🏻 There is a “the one” out that will make you permanently happy
- 🧚🏻 Infatuation over a crush will lead to long-term compatibility
- 🧚🏻 A true love story requires a damsel in distress and a big, strong man
- 🧚🏻 Happily ever after means no major conflicts
You don’t have to look further than a few rom-coms to piece together the Fairy Tale Narrative.
I won’t get into it now, but suffice it to say that The Fairy Tale Narrative creates extremely unrealistic relationship expectations, and is a horrible blueprint for a healthy relationship.
That said, the Fairy Tale Narrative is also based on sublime romantic feelings and incredible gestures. And because of this, Genuine Romance often gets conflated with the Fairy-Tale Narrative.
Capitalism also snuck its hands into the pot. Romance sells. Hence crazy expensive weddings and bouquets of roses on Valentine’s Day.
Put this all together, and tons of people have thrown the baby (Genuine Romance) out with the bathwater (Fairy Tale Narrative and the commodification of romance).
So that’s why romance gets a bad rap. But there’s also the little detail of how sex fits in.
Why Romance is Confusing
Romance is confusing because, for some (but not all) people, romantic feelings are inextricably linked to sexual arousal.
A friend of mine told me that when she hears the words “I feel like we were meant for each other,” she gets wet.
In this way, it could be said that for some people romance is a sexual kink. What I’ll call the Romance Kink.
A Romance Kink is when feelings of romance evoke sexual arousal. This is more common for folks conditioned as women. These sexualized romantic feelings could be genuine or contrived.
For example, my aforementioned friend will instruct her sexual partners to say “I love you and we’re destined to be together!” during sex because it turns her on. But she doesn’t actually want them to mean it—heavens no! It’s kind of a roleplay. In the same way a dom might tell me to get on my knees during a scene.
Things get extra confusing, because folks who do have a Romance Kink may get turned on by both Genuine Romance (which is healthy) and Fairy-Tale Romance (which is toxic).
Just like how a hardcore feminist might secretly masturbate to rape fantasies, a diehard polyamorist may get turned on if a partner declares “You are my one and only!”
Sex is funny like that.
The Recipe for Creating Romantic Feelings
I’d like to help you express your romantic feelings in a way that evokes romantic feelings in another person (whether it’s for a Romance Kink or not).
But first I wanna say that if you are experiencing romantic feelings, and you just express yourself intuitively, you’ll do great.
Everything in here is just bonus ideas to help you refine your expression.
But mind you, these tactics will only “work” if the other person wants to receive romance from you. I wouldn’t advise applying these ideas to a total stranger!
Okay. So there are two ways to express romance.
Romantic Gestures and Romantic Words.
Romantic gestures
When a Romantic Gesture is effectively executed, it will open the other person’s heart.
Romantic gestures also have a way of opening up a portal outside of mundane reality. These gestures vault you both into a dreamlike space full of poetry and enchantment. (Just think about how a gourmet candle-lit dinner has a different vibe than eating tuna sandwiches on the couch together.)
An effective romantic gesture usually contains some combo of these 6 elements:
- ♥️ Surprise. EG you get home and there’s a trail of rose pedals leading you to the bedroom!
- ♥️ Extreme personalization. EG your lover wrote you a song that included several of your core childhood memories.
- ♥️ Effort and intention. EG Your partner traveled around town to gather special ingredients so they could cook a 3-course meal of your most sentimental dishes.
- ♥️ Creativity. A note is a beautiful gesture. However a friend of mine took it a step further and put together a 1000-piece puzzle, wrote a note on the puzzle, then undid it and gave it to his puzzle-loving partner to put together.
- ♥️ Interactivity. When the recipient has to take some actions, it makes the gesture more experiential and immersive. EG Your partner set up an intensive scavenger hunt around your city for you to find clues that eventually lead to their kiss.
- ♥️ Symbolism. EG creating an evening where each part of the date represents one of your relationship milestones.
If you can batch all six of those elements (or even 1-2 of them) into a gesture, it’ll likely be received with great appreciation.
But as any poet would tell you, a gesture is only one way to express romantic feelings.
Romantic words
Sometimes romantic feelings can be conveyed more effectively with words than gestures.
Part of this is your ability to articulate your inner landscape of feelings.
But part of it is your ability to use the romantic language that your partner wants to hear.
You know the love languages concept? The idea is that we all like to be loved in different ways. And you have to teach your partner how you like to be loved.
Same thing here.
Your partner has specific types of romantic language that will open their heart.
For one person, hearing that you’re destined to be together might make them swoon with passion. For someone else, that same idea could make them barf up some of their tuna fish sandwich.
And how do you know what your partner’s romance language is?
Ask them!
Below is a list of the 25 elements that make up romantic language. Try going through it yourself and checking any sentiments that would melt you if you received them. And make sure to share your results with your partner.
Then ask your partner to go through the list themself. Then you’ll have a cheat sheet for their romantic heart.
I wouldn’t use the sentences below verbatim. They’re just there to give you an idea of each ingredient.
(Also, here’s a link to a sheet if you want an actual checklist of the 25 elements of romantic language.)
1. ♥️ Eternity: “I will love you until the end of time.”
2. ♥️ Desire: “I want you so bad I can hardly keep it together.”
3. ♥️ Devotion: “I dedicate every breath to making you happy.”
4. ♥️ Commitment: “I am fully in this relationship, with all parts of my being.”
5. ♥️ Feeling chosen: “Out of everyone out there, you are the one that I choose.”
6. ♥️ Feeling special: “There is nobody out there like you. You are one of a kind.”
7. ♥️ Admiration: “You have such a beautiful spirit. It’s fucking incredible.”
8. ♥️ Companionship: “There’s nothing I love more than going through life with you as a teammate.”
9. ♥️ Loyalty: “I’ve got your back, no matter what.”
10. ♥️ Closeness: “I want to fully open myself to you so we can merge and become one.”
11. ♥️ Fascination: “Even after all this time, I love discovering new things about you.”
12. ♥️ Understanding: “I see how good your intentions are, and that you always try to do the right thing.”
13. ♥️ Growth: “Loving you has made me a better person than I ever thought I could be.”
14. ♥️ Home: “I feel most at home when I’m with you. You are my family.”
15. ♥️ Unconditional Love: “There’s nothing you could do or say that would make me love you any less.”
16. ♥️ Nostalgia: “I love thinking about that time that we jumped in rain puddles and laughed ecstatically.”
17. ♥️ Soulmates: “The moment we met, I knew our souls were meant to be together.”
18. ♥️ Personal dreams: “I believe in your vision of building a multi-generational community.”
19. ♥️ Respect: “I respect the way you’re leading your life.”
20. ♥️ Cuteness: “I wuv you little bunny!”
21. ♥️ Appreciating the small things: “I love the way you crinkle your nose when you smile.”
22. ♥️ Future: “I can’t wait to go to Japan together some day.”
23. ♥️ Pride: “I know your journey with food allergies has been difficult, and I’m so proud of the resilience you’ve shown.”
24. ♥️ Gratitude: “I feel so lucky that I get to wake up next to you each day.”
25. ♥️ Playfulness: “I just can’t get the image out of my head of you schooling the barista on the spelling of your name…haha #boundaries!”
Wanna Stay Connected?
Best of luck on your romantic journey!
If you found this interesting, I invite you to join my newsletter. I’ll send out a monthly essay on the topics of connection, sexuality, and personal growth.
Sincerely,
💕 Mike