You’re a unique creature with a bunch of specific preferences and triggers and boundaries that only you know. And when you meet a new person, you have to figure out how to get along with this other complicated creature with all their preferences and triggers and boundaries.
If you hang out with someone for long enough, eventually you get to know how each other functions. But sometimes the relationship dies out before then.
Or sometimes you’ve known someone for a long time, but have struggled to communicate all of your ins and outs, so the relationship doesn’t feel fully authentic.
One solution is to become a really good communicator. I think that’s a noble endeavor. But it can take a while!
The idea is to craft a guide for how to relate to you. Explain your secret buttons and switches. Share your hidden triggers. Explain your relationship philosophy.
It’s like a massive shortcut for someone to get to connect with you.
Even if you make one of these but don’t share it with anyone, it’s a fantastic activity for understanding how you like to connect. Self-awareness=👑
As an analog—imagine you bought a new Tesla Gundam. You sit down in the driver’s seat and can’t even figure out how to turn the damn thing on! Let alone how to wipe the windshield or activate autopilot.
So that’s what the user manual is for.
It explains how to operate the car. What the hidden features are. How to get the most out of it.
I want to help you write a user manual for yourself.
The idea is to give it to new (or old) connections and then talk about it together.
I just finished crafting my own and will give you some tips on creating yours.
Ok, onward!
What to Include in Your User Manual
1. A Purpose Statement
If you give your User Manual to a friend, it will probably be a bit of a weird experience for them.
So it will be helpful to have a statement about why this thing exists. Something like: “My hope is that this User Manual will help with…”
That will help enroll the other person into reading the rest of it with an open mind.
Here’s mine:
I want to create a meaningful, mutually fulfilling connection with you 🙂 And I trust we could do that without this document. But my hope is that this manual will help us get to that place faster and more easefully.
2. Your Preferred Connection Norms
Every relationship has different norms. EG With some people you split all bills 50/50, with others you take turns paying for stuff.
If you take a scan across all of your relationships where you feel the most like yourself, there are probably some common norms across them.
What are your favorite 1-3 relationship norms?
EG, here’s one of mine:
Check-ins. I like starting connections with a check-in, where we both share how we’re doing. Feelings, desires, etc. And if we’re on a longer adventure, perhaps checking in throughout.
3. Your Relationship Philosophy
A relationship is ultimately a collaboration.
It can be helpful to spell out some of the core tenets of your relationship philosophy so that your new buddies and lovers have an idea of what they are collaborating on.
This could include how you relate to consent. Your relationship paradigm. How you think about conflict. Etc.
Here’s a snippet from my “Relationship Philosophy” section:
Needs-based relationships. I’m a big fan of honoring needs and capacity. If we’re hanging out, I don’t want either of us to ever feel like we’re “forcing it.” I view each relationship as a team. And I love to be a good teammate. So the more you can share your needs, the more I can help you meet them (and vice versa).
4. Your Common Relationship Triggers and Challenges
Oof. If you’re anything like me, you probably have a shortlist (or long one) of struggles or difficult dynamics that consistently appear in your connections.
Here’s one of mine: I ask a bunch of questions, and the other person does all the talking. I become aware that I’m not taking up any space and don’t know how to get the attention back on me. I start to feel disempowered and shrink into a conversational smurf.
Next thing you know, I haven’t shared an opinion for ten minutes and have lost the confidence to do anything but ask questions. 😬
How about you?
Are there unpleasant relational dynamics you sometimes find yourself in? Do you have triggers that are hard to speak up in the moment, where it might help to tell people about them beforehand?
One tip for this section: try to take as much responsibility for your challenges as you can. This will make it a lot more palatable for other people to read, which will make them more likely to want to support you.
5. A Few Other Ideas
I hope you get the gist of it by now!
Here are a few other possible sections you could include in your User Manual:
Your love languages
How you approach conflict
Areas where you want to be challenged
Current topics you love talking about
How you relate to touch
If you’re scent-sensitive
Crucial Tips for Making Your Manual Non-Douchey
Once you’ve written out your User Manual, I urge you to edit it!
Only include what will actually help the other person relate with you more effectively.
Otherwise, this document runs the risk of being masturbatory or overwhelming.
Then, edit it down more! I’d suggest no more than 1500 words. Max!
1500 words takes about 6 minutes to read. Which feels reasonable. But sending someone a document that’d take 15 minutes to read? Eek!
And if you send your Manual to someone to read, don’t act like Professor Snape giving out an obligatory homework assignment. That’d be repellent!
I’d instead try an invitation like this (but obvi do it with your own voice):
Hey! So I just tried this new experiment, which is admittedly a bit quirky.
But I wrote a ‘User Manual’ for myself. I know, I’m a nerd!
I’m hoping it’ll help make my relationships feel more connected.
And I’m excited about our connection, so I wanted to send it to you 🙂
If you’d be up for glancing through it before we meet on Monday, that’d be awesome! It should only take about 6 minutes to read.
But if you don’t have time, or it feels too overwhelming, or anything like that, no worries at all!
Ok, see you in a few days!
My Own User Manual
If you’d like further inspiration, here’s the User Manual I just created for myself. Take a peep!
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