Have you ever spent one-on-one time with someone new, but you couldn’t get beneath surface-level conversation?
Or have you ever left a friend date feeling drained—like the hangout didn’t quite match where you were at and what you needed?
These are cases where you want something in a connection that you’re not getting.
Fortunately, there’s a way to transform these types of situations.
It’s what I call Social Leadership.
Social Leadership is the proactive practice of guiding connections toward mutual fulfillment.
When nobody takes Social Leadership, then your connections will wind up like this:
Oof! I’ve been there. Too many times!
Per the image above, taking Social Leadership could be as simple as saying, “Can I share my feelings with you?” or “Do you want to cuddle?”
Here are a few things someone might say when taking Social Leadership:
- 👉🏻“I love talking with you, though I’m starting to feel a bit disembodied. Would you be open to doing an embodied activity together?”
- 👉🏻“We have an hour left together. Is there anything you want to do or talk about before we part ways?”
- 👉🏻“To be honest, something in our connection is feeling a bit flat to me today. Do you feel that too? And if so, what do you think is going on?”
I’ve found Social Leadership (SL) to be a game-changing practice for my own connections. And it’s a difficult one. Sometimes I do it well, other times I struggle to say anything.
But from all that I’ve learned, I want to share with you the 4 SL skills that will help you get more fulfilling connections.
💡 SL Skill #1: Notice Your Unmet Needs and Desires
The first skill is attuning to what you want.
It’s asking yourself the question: “Am I getting what I want out of this connection right now?”
And if the answer is no, then it’s asking yourself: “What do I want that I’m not getting?”
This can be hard to do in conversations that don’t allow for silence.
That said, if you sense a flicker of dissatisfaction in yourself, it is valid to say, “Hey I’m gonna check in with myself for a moment.” And then shut your eyes and ask yourself what you want.
Though, admittedly, this can be a tremendously difficult move if “self-attunement” is not within the norms of the connection.
An alternative is to excuse yourself to the bathroom and check in with yourself there.
So step 1 is checking if you are getting what you want. And, for a connection to be fulfilling, it also matters that the other person is getting what they want.
💡 SL Skill #2: Keep Tabs on the Other Person’s State
The best connections are mutually fulfilling.
So, if you’re hanging out with Dwayne, it’s a best-case scenario if your desires get met, and so do Dwayne’s.
Ideally, Dwayne would be so self-attuned that he could immediately notice when he’s not feeling fulfilled, and he’d be perfectly empowered to speak up when this happens.
But nobody’s perfect! Not even Dwayne!
As a Social Leader, it’s skillful to track the other person. Do they seem engaged? Or do they seem distracted, nervous, or closed off?
If you suspect the other person isn’t feeling fulfilled, then ask.
Try one of these questions:
- 👉🏻 “Is there anything you want to do or talk about right now?”
- 👉🏻“I just wanna check in, how are you feeling right now?”
- 👉🏻“I noticed your body language seems closed off, and I made up a story that you’re uncomfortable. I just wanted to check if there’s truth to that or not?”
I am a huge proponent of asking what’s going on instead of trying to be psychic.
I always have guesses about how other people are doing and what they want. But I’d rather ask and hear it from the horse’s mouth than assume that I know what’s going on for them.
So step 2 is checking in with the other person. Though a fulfilling connection isn’t just about the “me” and the “you,” it’s also about the “we.”
💡 SL Skill #3: Track the State of the Connection
A good Social Leader will track the health of the team.
I wrote a blog post called The #1 Key to a Healthy Relationship, where I explain that the most important skill of healthy relationships is the ability to track how “in connection” you feel at any given moment.
The question to ask yourself here when hanging out with someone is: “Do we feel connected?”
If the answer is “no,” it’s likely because one of you has an unmet need (see Skills #1 and #2), or one of you is withholding something you need to share.
So when the connection feels offpitch, my favorite approach is to open up a space to share withholds.
Here’s one way I practiced this recently.
A personal anecdote
A friend came over to my apartment. We were bantering and sharing stories, but the whole time I felt anxious and ungrounded. Though I wasn’t sure why! I didn’t think I was withholding any communications from him.
But I didn’t want to feel disconnected the whole time, so I figured I’d open up and see what happened.
So I said “Hey, I notice I’m feeling a little anxious in our connection but I’m not sure why. I’m wondering if I have something unsaid that I need to share with you. Do you mind if I give it a shot?”
And miraculously he said, “I’ll go first. I feel that too. I think it’s because it’s my first time in your home and I want to make a good impression [he shared a withhold!]. And I’m also a touchy person and I’ve wanted to cuddle [he shared an unmet desire!].”
Bam! Him saying that relieved all the tension. Then we cuddled! And it felt great!
In this case, we both took Social Leadership. I named a feeling of disconnection. Then he shared a withhold and made a proposal to cuddle.
I also want to reiterate that even though I successfully spoke up in this situation, I’ve had many times that I haven’t been able to do so.
Ok, so the three skills so far have been about tracking what feels off. But the last skill is perhaps the most important of all.
💡 SL Skill #4: The Courage to Say or Do Something
Having awareness of yourself, the other person, and the connection is not enough.
To take Social Leadership, and guide connections into experiences of mutual fulfillment, you must say something.
Sometimes this can be straightforward. For example, you notice you want a change of environment, and you simply say, “I think a change of environment would be nice. Would you care for a walk?”
Though often, Social Leadership can be hard to do. Sometimes extremely hard!
That’s because:
- It’s scary to be vulnerable. Sharing a need is vulnerable. Saying you don’t feel connected is vulnerable.
- It’s scary to break norms. If it’s not a well-trodden norm in your relationship to talk about desires and feelings, then you are doing something new. That is scary.
Thus, being a Social Leader often requires courage.
But in my experience, if you feel disconnected in a conversation, it’s always worth taking the risk and saying something.
Worst case you have an open conversation about your relational dynamic. Best case you both get your needs met and feel extremely connected.
My Challenge For You!
Next time you spend time with someone 1-on-1, I’d like to challenge you to take Social Leadership!
- Track if you feel fulfilled. And if not, can you ask for what you want?
- Track if they seem fulfilled. If they look closed off, can you ask them how they’re doing?
- And track how the connection feels. If things feel flat, can you bring it up?
And if you either flub the conversation or get too scared to bring something up, don’t fret! I’ve been there so many times.
Like any skill, you have to fail forward. Which can be uncomfortable at times.
But if you continue to practice Social Leadership, and you get good at it, then your connections will start to feel fan-fucking-tastic for both you and the people you spend time with.
Good luck!
Wanna stay connected?
If you found this interesting, I invite you to join my newsletter. I’ll send out a monthly essay on the topics of connection, sexuality, and personal growth.