Do you ever feel lonely at night time?
It’s a difficult feeling. It’s not intense like rage or terror. It’s a cold, subtle feeling that gnaws at you and drains you of life and happiness. It reminds me a bit of the feeling of being near a dementor.
For many, nighttime is when loneliness creeps out of the shadows and grabs full hold.
I know as well as any. I recently traveled for two years and didn’t realize I was setting myself up to experience deeper loneliness than I ever had before.
But don’t worry, we’re not gonna go too far into the dumps!
In this article, we’ll go over some perspectives on loneliness to understand it better, talk about why it’s more prevalent and night, and explore ideas on how to deal with it.
Lez go.
6 Things You Should Know About Loneliness
Let’s start off by exploring some stats and perspectives about loneliness to understand it better.
1. Loneliness is super common.
If you feel lonely, there is ZERO shame in that. It’s a fundamental human experience. And surprisingly common in the modern era.
Over one in three American adults feel lonely almost all the time, according to a survey from Harvard. This is true for 61% of people aged 18-25.
Those statistics are staggering. 6 out of 10 young adults feel lonely almost all the time.
Damn.
The next time you’re in a grocery store, look around. Almost everyone around you knows the feeling of loneliness. And a good chunk of them are feeling it this very moment.
2. Loneliness is harmful for your health.
Being lonely is just as bad for your long-term health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to the World Health Organization.
That statistic is bananas.
I’m not trying to fear monger. I’m just saying if you feel lonely, it might be time to stop tolerating it.
3. Loneliness is an unmet need
When you feel hungry, that is your body telling you it needs food. Same idea with feeling horny, tired, or like you have to poop.
Your body tells you when a vital need is unmet in the form of pain or discomfort.
That’s what loneliness is.
Your body is screaming “You need connection!”
4. Going from socially malnourished to socially nourished takes time
If you don’t eat enough food for months you’ll get malnourished. And it’ll take your body a long time to put meat back on your bones and feel healthy.
If you’re malnourished, you can’t just go buckwild at one all-you-can-eat Indian buffet and be set. You need to eat a good amount of food, every day, over a long period of time.
Same with lonliness. If you go a long time feeling socially undernourished, then it will take a while for you to put the meat of connection back on your social bones.
Going once to an awesome Taylor Swift dance party won’t cut it. Connection needs to be a habit.
5. Quality of connection counts
If you’re hungry, you technically could fulfill that need by eating a bunch of cheeze-poofs. But that won’t sustain you. Definitely not over the long run.
Same with social connections.
Hanging out with conversational narcissists and going to awkward dinner parties are better than nothing. But when you’re lonely, ultimately what you crave is deep, vulnerable, present intimacy. The feeling of being fully connected, seen, understood, and accepted by another person. We also want to feel like we deeply matter to others.
This picture is exactly why it’s possible to have friends and still feel lonely:
6. You need different types of connection
When eating, you need a variety of vitamins and macronutrients from different foods. Living exclusively off soylent shakes won’t be good for you.
Same with connections.
Gratifying sex with your partner scratches a different itch than an Ikea adventure with your friend-roommate. Which scratches a different itch than sitting around a campfire with a group, opening up about your struggles.
By the way, if you have any sticky questions about your own relationship with loneliness, send them my way and I’ll happily respond back with a personalized message.
Some creators think I’m bananas for wanting to get back to every reader—but I love connecting with my audience! 🍌
I'll get back to you in a few days 🙂
Why is Loneliness Stronger at Night?
Let’s briefly touch on why loneliness can get stronger at night time. There are two main reasons.
Distractions fall away and you are left with yourself
Most people work during the day. Or at least engage in projects that occupy their attention.
But when nighttime rolls around, it’s time to stop work, kick your shoes off, and enjoy yourself.
But what if the thing that you would most enjoy is playing board games with a group of best friends? Or cuddling with a lover? And yet, you find yourself alone at home.
At night time, when work falls away, our needs vocalize themselves; our feelings beg to be felt and we can no longer hide from them in a productive work day.
Many of us try to numb feelings of loneliness with the internet, which can work sometimes but can also backfire.
Using social media can cause loneliness
If you tend to turn to social media at night time, this can also be a cause of loneliness.
Researchers from UPenn found that when college students limited all social media usage to 30 minutes a day for three weeks, their feelings of loneliness and depression notably dropped compared to a control group.
While social media can give us the appearance of connecting with others, it actually keeps us in a dark room by ourselves, eyes glazed with the glow of a screen.
Loneliness and coldness are related
When researchers make people feel colder, their reports of loneliness go up. And on the flip side, research suggests that physical warmth can aid feelings of loneliness.
This is why people who feel lonely tend to take more warm baths and showers than those who aren’t.
If the cool night air touches your skin, this can be another factor that causes you to feel more lonely at night.
How to Stop Feeling Lonely at Night
Ok, so you understand loneliness a little better. Now what?
A lot of therapists and self-help articles will tell you that you need to practice self-love or reframe your situation.
And while those tools can be helpful to understand your feelings better, the reality is, they aren’t the right tools to combat loneliness.
That’d be like telling someone who is really hungry to practice meditating instead of eating.
If you feel that cold, dull feeling of loneliness creeps up most nights, then you have to do something to fill your life with the connection you seek in order to create whatever feeling is the opposite of loneliness.
You’ll need to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Several times a week until things get better.
Here are a few places to get started.
Set up a friend date
Reach out to a friend and set up a phone call or a dinner.
It’s ideal if it’s a good friend with whom you share rapport. But if that’s not an option, anyone will do!
You need dedicated 1-on-1 time with another human.
You might think there needs to be a “courtship” phase after meeting someone before you can invite them into 1-on-1 time. You might think you need to see each after a few times at community events. And get to know each other casually. And then you can advance to the intimacy of a 1-on-1 hang.
But that’s hogwash!
If you meet someone, and there’s a semblance of a spark, then grab their contact info and invite them to plans.
If you meet up and it goes well, then make plans again!
Action Step: Text someone right now to meet up for a Zoom call or for tea. It might be an old friend from college or it could be someone you just met.
Go to a class or meetup
Scan through Facebook Events or Eventbrite and pick something to go to. You could also try volunteering.
TBH, doesn’t even matter what it is!
As long as there is a group of people gathering for a specific reason.
Once you show up, do your best to introduce yourself to everyone. Swap names and be friendly.
You might meet someone, and you might not. But you will experience a group social environment that you belong in.
And if you keep showing up to the same event week after week, you’ll become a regular. Which will give you further feelings of belonging, group status, and access to relationships.
Action Step: Pick a class in your city to attend this week. If it’s not a terrible experience, challenge yourself to attend four weeks in a row.
Say yes to offers
You might already be receiving offers to connect that you are declining.
Maybe the offers don’t seem good enough, or resonant enough. Or maybe you’re just feeling shy and closed off.
There are many times when any of those are perfectly valid excuses to not attend an event.
But if you are suffering from a case of “the lonelies,” then you should accept every offer that comes your way.
It’d be like if you were staggering through the street, absolutely starving. And someone offered you a free sandwich, but you turned it down because the bread wasn’t French bread.
Action Step: The next time someone in your life invites you to a social event—whether a coffee or a potluck—say yes!
Hire a professional
Another approach is to hire a professional to get your needs met in the short term. Here are a few options:
- Professional cuddlist (yes it’s a thing)
- Sex worker
- Intimacy coach
- Therapist
- Massage therapist
It’s true that most people go to therapists to deal with their trauma and massage therapists to relieve physical tension. However, connecting with these professionals can be profoundly intimate in its own right.
Years ago I used to really love my hairdresser. She was a phenomenal conversationalist and gave the best scalp massages. Honestly, I don’t remember how her hair cutting skills were. Because that wasn’t the reason I was excited to book her!
I consider it a “short-term fix” to hire a professional because you probably don’t want to pay someone to fulfill your connection needs long-term.
It’s true that you can form a meaningful bond with a coach or sex worker. However, there’s always going to be the reality that if you stop coughing up money, they’ll stop the intimacy.
And if you’d like professional support finding more meaningful and deeper intimacy, I’d be happy to teach you connection skills to build the intimate life you want for yourself. You can set up a free discovery call here to see if it seems like I might be the right person to call in for support.
You Got This!
Loneliness is a tough part of the human experience. But you are not alone in your loneliness. And there is a way out.
Just keep putting yourself out there.
By the way, if you have any sticky questions about your own relationship with loneliness, send them my way and I’ll happily respond back with a personalized message.
Some creators think I’m bananas for wanting to get back to every reader—but I love connecting with my audience! 🍌
I'll get back to you in a few days 🙂
Till next time!
-Mike