A reader told me that they don’t usually break up with partners outright. They tend to change agreements to de-escalate intimacy, and slowly march in the direction of breaking up. And they wondered if they “lack the guts to ‘finish the job.’”
Damn. Such a rich inquiry!
First, I’ll validate that breaking up is fucking hard. It hurts, and it’s scary, and it feels like such a BIG decision.
That’s why so many of us fumble breakups. But there’s actually a learnable skillset to doing them well.
The skillset of breaking up
The first skill of breaking up is the ability to deliver your communication with clarity.
If a partner clearly tells you they want to break up, that would hurt, but you could move on.
It’s more painful if they come in with a fog of uncertainty, where they kind of want to break up but aren’t sure. And then you’re both stuck in some painful, unsatisfying limbo for who knows how long.
Worst of all, I once tried to have a breakup conversation. But I was so indirect that days later I discovered she didn’t realize I tried to break up with her!
The second skill of breaking up is to deliver it in connection.
Breakups are deaths. So they’ll bring up grief, pain, anger, and all kinds of tough emotions. But it is possible to break up while holding those emotions with the other person. With mutual care and compassion.
Not saying it’s easy. But it’s worth aspiring toward.
The best way to get better at breakups is, unfortunately, through practice. At least that’s what I’ve found.
I’ve had breakups where I was too “nice” and too scared to be direct.
I’ve also had breakups where I was clear but too harsh.
But after lots of shitty breakups, and trying to do better each time, I’ve managed one or two that hit the mark of both clear and compassionate.
There’s a balance between being direct and being kind. And, at least with this specific reader, your growth edge might be to forgo kindness for the sake of clarity and directness.
Changing agreements vs breaking up
That said, I think it’s valid to change agreements and de-escalate intimacy if that’s what you genuinely want.
For example, maybe you were living together, and you realize you want to keep the relationship the same, except to live separately. Totally valid! You can de-escalate out of a nesting partnership.
The only thing I’d be careful of is using de-escalation as a crutch to avoid doing what you actually want, which is breaking up.
If you want to break up, but you instead ask to de-escalate, then it creates unnecessary pain and confusion for both of you.
Your authenticity will have impact
It’s not easy to say “no” when it may hurt others.
But the truth is, your authenticity will hurt other people.
That can’t be avoided. If you express who you really are, and say “yes” and “no” in ways that are true to you, then there will be an impact.
Causing pain in others can bring up all sorts of young fears about being bad or losing someone’s love.
But to enter into intimacy is to enter into a path of pain. Even healthy partnerships are full of heartbreak along the way.
So the practice becomes: how can I stay in integrity with my truth, especially when it might cause pain?
Wanna stay connected?
If this was helpful or intersting, you. might appreciate my newsletter. I send out monthly essays about partnership, sexuality, gender, and personal growth.
Check it out:
<3 Mike