Image created with Bard

How to Release Fear with 7 Effective Strategies

Fear is one of the most difficult emotions to struggle with. It can prevent you from taking the risks you really want to take in your life. It can freeze you in indecision. And it can also torment you.

I have struggled with fear a great deal myself over the years. Most of my understanding of fear has come through darkness retreats (where I’ve done 100-hour meditation retreats in a room without light or sound) and through fear-based practices (such as talking to strangers, parkour, and cold water).

I want to share everything I know about how to release fear, relate to fear, and befriend fear to help you live the life you want.

Let’s get in it!

What Is Fear?

Fear is the feeling that arises when you feel unsafe or think you might be in danger.

Psychologist Paul Ekman calls it one of the 7 emotions that all humans in every culture experience.

If you struggle with fear, you might have one of two experiences.

Fear type 1: fears that hold you back from living your best life

What if you want to find a romantic partner, but you are terrified of rejection so you never put yourself out there?

Or if your greatest desire is to sing on stage, but you are so afraid of it, that you never step near a mic.

Many of us have fears that hold us back from living the fullest expression of our life. We’ll go over some tips shortly to help you with this.

Fear type 2: Fear that is present all the time and torments you

There was a several-year period in my 20s when I felt afraid all the time. If I ever stopped to slow down, there was always fear right underneath the surface.

This was remarkably troubling at first. Fear seemed to be my greatest enemy in life. Waiting around every single corner to taunt and abuse me.

I developed a huge fear of fear itself. Anytime I’d experience fear, I’d experience a barrage of troubling thoughts, worries, and beliefs that had me feel even more afraid. And then I felt even more afraid that the fear would never go away! A vicious cycle, to say the least.

But I gradually realized that perhaps this fear was actually a gift. It seemed to be the greatest teacher I had yet encountered in cultivating wisdom and learning to find a sense of inner peace.

We’ll go over tips to help you if this is your experience.

Tips on How to Release Fear

Below are several tips. Some tips will probably work well for you in certain times of life, whereas other tips would work well in different times of life. Consider each tip to be a tool that you can try when the occasion calls for it. And use whichever tools serve you and ditch the rest!

1. View your fear as a compass

Sometimes fear acts as a compass. It summons itself like a guard who tries to prevent you from stepping toward your sense of purpose.

Or, perhaps it’s not a guard, but actually, an angel who is saying, “Hey you! I’m creating all these intense feelings to alert you that there is some huge gold if you follow this path! But to do so, you’ll have to find some real commitment in yourself to overcome this fear.”

Action Step: Journal on the following: “Is there some action I know I want to take, but I’m not doing it because I feel too afraid?”

If this is the case, your action step is to do the thing!

Stephen Pressfield wrote a fantastic book on this approach called The War of Art.

If you can’t quite summon the courage, try going through these reflection prompts from Tim Ferriss’s fear-setting activity to loosen fear’s grip on you.

• What are you afraid will happen? Go into lots of detail.
  • E.g., “If I make a podcast, nobody will listen to it and I’ll feel like a failure”
• What steps can you take to prevent that bad thing from happening?
  • E.g., “I can informationally interview some podcast host to get marketing tips.”
• If the bad thing does happen, what can you do to repair the situation?
  • E.g., “If I launch a podcast and nobody listens to it, I can either just keep going without an audience, find out how to build an audience, or quit the podcast.”
• What might be the benefits of an attempt or partial success?
  • E.g., “If I launch a podcast, and it goes reasonably well, I’ll connect with awesome people, learn a ton, and feel accomplished.”
• If I don’t do the thing I’m afraid of (and other things like it), what is the cost of inaction 6 months, 1 year, and 3 years from now?
  • E.g., “If I don’t make a podcast in 6 months I will feel regretful and stuck.”

2. Use exposure therapy

Exposure therapy is a fascinating technique that helps you acclimate to the thing you’re afraid of. 

Essentially, you experience the thing you’re afraid of in itty bitty chunks that you feel comfortable with and then keep dialing it up.

If you’re afraid of heights, consider finding a latter and each day, climbing as high as you can without freaking out. Then pause. Feel your fear. Take deep breaths. And sit there until you become comfortable.

Then the next day, climb another rung.

As another example, if you’re afraid of getting rejected by a romantic partner, practice getting rejected in smaller ways to build up your tolerance. Ask for a free coffee at Starbucks, or ask your favorite podcast host if you can guest on their podcast.  You can even make a challenge of it—try to get rejected 10 days in a row.

Here’s a phenomenal YouTube video that goes into the idea.

Action Step: If there’s something you’re afraid to do, can you break your fear into smaller and more manageable chunks? Can you mindfully experience each small chunk one day at a time? 

3. View fear as an organism

Another frame that you might find helpful is to view fear as an amoral organism. (Amoral, not immoral. “Amoral” means it doesn’t actually care about you one way or the other, whereas “immoral” implies evilness. For example, an avalanche is amoral, not immoral; it kills people, but it doesn’t do so because it is mean or unethical. Voldemort, on the other hand, is immoral).

In this light, fear is not out to get you. It’s just like a bacterial organism—all it wants to do is survive and reproduce. Just like all other life forms.

The way fear reproduces is by sending out fear-based thoughts and getting you to believe they are true.

Let’s say you’re on a plane, and you suddenly feel afraid that it will crash. The fear organism will then create a thought like “That turbulence absolutely means we’re about to plummet!” If you believe that thought, then you’ll feel even less safe, and you’ll experience more fear. Fear has now successfully reproduced. But it wants to reproduce more, so then fear will create even more intense thoughts, causing you to spiral.

The thing about fear is that it wants you to believe what it says. Because that gives it life. When you’re caught in a fear spiral, you will be so so tempted to think that fear is telling you the ultimate truth about yourself. But it’s not. 

Fear is willing to lie and manipulate to get you to believe it. And not because it’s evil, just because that’s how it survives.

So the key thing to remember is that fear does not speak truth. 

Wisdom speaks truth, and wisdom tends to feel calm and expansive—wisdom never feels anxious and clenched. 

Fear will say all kinds of things to you. Don’t believe them in the moment. You can come back to those thoughts later when you feel calm and check them out from a place of wisdom.

The key to breaking the cycle of fear reproduction is by not believing the thoughts it spits out. Observe them, find them interesting, chuckle at them. But don’t take them as true.

This is the ultimate practice in mindfulness. Notice the thought. Notice how it impacts your body. But don’t cling to the thought or ride it anywhere. Just let it pass and see it as an attempt from fear to grow itself inside of you. 

The ultimate key here is non-reactivity.

Action Step: Create a mantra to say every time you notice fear. Whenever I noticed fear, I used to say internally “fear mind” to help me see that the fear organism had taken hold of my mind and was trying to grow. 

Whatever mantra you pick, let it remind you of the following:

• Fear is present in your mind
• Do not trust or believe anything fear says. Its goal is to get you to believe what it says.
• Do not react. 
• Take deep breaths to calm your body.
• Let the thoughts pass through you like water passing through a net.
• You can return to assess the truth of these thoughts later when you feel calm.

---

Check out the newsletter!

If you’re digging this article, you might enjoy my newsletter where I’ll send you monthly writings and course opportunities to help you become wiser and have more awesome relationships.

---

4. View fear as a teacher

If you want to improve at a hobby, one of the best ways is by training on the “hard” levels.

When I first learned to snowboard, the friends I’d go to the mountain with were already savvy skiers, so I never got the luxury of training on the bunny slopes. I was thrust right into the wildly steep, tree-labyrinthed black diamonds. It was a trial-by-fire approach.

I fell a lot. Once I wound up upside down in a massive hole by the base of a tree, with my board propped on top of the hole, like chopsticks sitting on top of a cup, while my body dangled helplessly below. Fortunately, my friend heard me screaming in sheer panic and pulled me out.

This was a difficult way to learn to snowboard, but I built skill fast, and at a certain point I felt unintimidated by the difficulty of any mountain.

You might relate to this experience. But instead of learning to snowboard, you are learning to become wise. And instead of learning to deal with slopes and trees, you are practicing with fear.

If your fear feels super intense, you may not have the luxury of practicing on the bunny slopes. And while it might not feel easy, you’ll one day reflect back on this period with gratitude for just how much wisdom and self-mastery you developed.

Action Step: The next time you feel fear, take a step back and extend gratitude to it for teaching you how to be wise. 

You can even write: “Hi fear, I see you have come back again. I want to extend gratitude your way for sharpening my inner-wisdom skillset. It may be unpleasant right now, but I recognize you are setting me up for greater peace down the road. Thank you.”

5. View fear as a scared child

From a therapeutic parts-work perspective, we could say that fear is a trauma response that is coming from a younger version of yourself who doesn’t feel safe. 

If you’d like to read more about parts work, I talk about it on page 40 of this ebook (the rest of the ebook is on an entirely different topic).

Otherwise, in a nutshell, this perspective states that you are not a singular self. You are actually a collection of parts.

Each “part” actually has its own personality, desires, and feelings.

While I’m writing this blog post, I’m coming from an adult mentor part of myself. But when my partner Angela set a jarring boundary earlier today, a child part emerged from inside of me, and I felt scared that Angela was mad at me and that I did something wrong.

The next time you feel fear, you can treat it like a part. Then, you can get to know the part, build a relationship with it, and help it feel safe.

Action Step: The next time you feel fear, take a pause and ask yourself:

• What part of me is the fear voice coming from?
• What does this part look like?
• How old is this part?

Once you’ve got a clear enough picture of the part that is afraid, dialogue with it and get to know it. It is ideal to dialogue from a wise, loving part of yourself.

Try it on paper. Something like:

• Wise part: “Hey there, you seem really afraid.”
• Fear part: “I am afraid!”
• Wise part: “What are you afraid of?”
• Fear part: “Well, I’m afraid that I’m going to fall out of love with my partner and have to break up with them.”
• Wise part: “I understand. And what are you afraid would happen if you had to break up with them?”
• Etc.

In this process, you might also encounter other parts. For example, parts who are afraid of the original scared child. In this case, you can dialogue with them too! But do your best not to let parts blend with one another.

6. View fear as a body response

From an evolutionary perspective, we could say that the purpose of fear is to signal that danger is nearby and to stimulate our body in the appropriate ways to deal with the nearby threat.

In this lens, fear isn’t bad. No emotion is. They all have unique evolutionary purposes. 

Maybe the fear is trying to signal something important to you. Or maybe your fear circuit has just gone a bit haywire.

Either way,  you can actually express fear through your body to help move the energy and glean deeper insight into what you are afraid of.

Action Step: Set a timer for 3 minutes, and then just express your fear as much as you can. Use your body, your voice, your breathing. Let the fear energy work itself through your body. 

Then set a timer for 3 minutes and write on the prompt “I feel afraid because…” over and over. Excavate the fear from your system. And see if any interesting insights reveal themselves.

If it gets too intense and you start to dysregulate, pump the breaks and take some deep breaths.

7. Heal your trust wounds

I have an intense fear of heights. Though I like to challenge that fear from time to time.

A few months ago, I decided to ride a Ferris wheel. 

Before I got on, I felt a surge of fear and asked the ticket vendor, “I’m not going to die right?!” He assured me I wasn’t, which helped a little bit.

The Ferris wheel was set to go through four cycles, each three minutes in length.

That first cycle was hell. I immediately started panicking. I couldn’t look out the window. I kept wondering, “Are the gears on this thing working!? Has this been safety checked recently?!”

I was petrified and felt completely unsafe.

But after the first go ‘round, my fear eased up a little. I was able to look out the window. This is because I experienced one go ’round without dying, and this allowed me to build an embodied trust that I was safe and that the machine wouldn’t crumble.

Each subsequent go’round, I felt more and more safe and at ease.

I rode the Ferris wheel again the following week and felt even safer, and resultantly less fear.

This is a metaphor for fear outside of a just heights context. When we feel unsafe, we feel fear. When we trust the machine, then we feel safe, and the fear dissipates.

Do you feel safe in your life? Do you trust the spiritual Ferris wheel that is Life itself? If you don’t, then you might feel unsafe and afraid. But if you do trust Life, you might feel safe, grateful, and even taken care of.

Not everyone views Life as a conscious entity that has their best interest in mind. You don’t have to take on this perspective, but I’ve personally found that the more I put on this lens, the more safe I feel, the less fear I feel, and the more magical things become.

If you’d like to pursue this perspective more, one of the best ways to cultivate a sense of spiritual/existential safety is to reflect on the moments when you lost trust in Life. Here’s an activity inspired from a course I took from Steve Pavlina.

Action Step: Journal on the following:

• What is an experience in your life that created a trust wound with Life? Where it felt like something unequivocally bad happened to you. Try to think of an experience that you haven’t fully accepted or that you took to mean that life was against you.
• Write about that experience and your feelings toward it.
• Now, imagine that reality is a simulated video game where you are the main character. There is an operator of the simulation bringing you all the events in your life. Their goal is to create an awesome life for you.

Now write a letter from your simulator operator to yourself where they express why they brought the original event into your life, and how they hoped it might help you grow. If necessary, you could even apologize on their behalf for pushing you a bit too hard.

Takeaways on How to Release Fear

Best of luck working with your fear. I know it can be intense, but you got this!

Here is a summary of each of the tools above for you to try:

• View your fear as a compass: Fear might be pointing you toward the gold.
• Use exposure therapy: Experience the thing you’re afraid of in small doses, and keep ramping it up. 
• View fear as an organism: Fear is an amoral entity whose only goal is to survive and reproduce. It is not concerned about you, it just wants you to experience more fear. 
• View fear as a teacher: Your fear is making you more wise.
• View fear as a scared child: Your fear might be coming from a scared inner child who needs attention.
• View fear as a body response: Fear happens in the body. Express it and release it through the body.
• Heal your trust wounds: If you don’t feel safe, you might feel afraid. Look for where your trust has been broken.

Continue Exploring

If you’d like to stay in the loop with blog posts, podcasts, and online workshops, place your email in the box below. I’ll send about one email a month to help you become more wise and have awesome relationships.

💕 Mike