In this post, I want to untangle the threads that make up attraction so that you can:
(A) better understand why you are attracted to certain people and
(B) avoid pursuing unhealthy attractions.
If this sounds interesting, let’s dive in!
But first, let me tell you about a funny thing that recently happened to me at a sex party.
The Funny Thing That Happened
A lady approached me at a sex party and said she liked my fishnet top and asked if she could touch my chest.
Based purely on her appearance, I did not feel attracted to her.
But I love receiving touch, so I happily agreed.
She traced her fingers across my chest, and immediately my Peter filled with pleasure and tripled in size.
We ended up having a hot makeout. And yet I wasn’t visually attracted to her.
And this got me curious…wtf is attraction?
WTF is Attraction?
When you are attracted to someone, you feel drawn to them. There’s something about them that makes you want to connect further.
When you think about a person you are attracted to, you’ll likely feel curiosity or desire. A pull toward them.
Sometimes attraction includes sexual arousal. But not always. There’s a term “demisexual” that refers to people who don’t typically experience sexual attraction until an emotional connection has been forged.
These feelings can all be subtle. So sometimes, you might be attracted to someone without consciously noticing.
If you feel an intense magnetic pull to someone, it could be purely sexual, it could be something spiritual, but it could also be your trauma. The more you understand your attractions, the more you can parce these out.
It’s also good to note upfront that attraction ≠ compatibility. You may be wildly attracted to someone, but due to a lack of communication and shared values, building any type of relationship with them may go up in flames.
After much pondering, I’ve come to realize there are 4 types of attraction:
—Visual Attraction 👀
—Energy Attraction 🌀
—Somatic Attraction 🫂
—Potential Sexual Attraction 🔥
You can experience a single type of attraction toward someone, all four, or any combo in between.
1. Visual Attraction 👀
This is how a person’s face and body look to you.
You might feel “aesthetically attracted” to a person. That means you enjoy looking at them, in the way you might admire a colorful bouquet of flowers.
Aesthetic attraction means that you’re not sexually turned on by them, but something about the color of their eyes or the shape of their nose is just pleasant to look at.
That said, some people’s appearance may spark sexual arousal and desire in you.
Maybe it’s something about their skin, lips, or body shape. Likely their biological sex plays some role for you too.
And perhaps you have a fetish (not everyone does). For example, let’s say you’re an ass-fiend. If someone wears a tight pair of pants that shows off their sublime buttocks, you may feel forever giddy in their presence.
Dangers of Visual Attraction:
While visual attraction is valid and enjoyable, it can also be fraught.
Someone’s attractiveness is heavily associated with their societal status (especially for women). So it can be easy to get caught up with pursuing someone because society thinks they’re hot and your middle school self believes that dating them will make you popular.
It’s no coincidence that people tend to date others who are about as attractive (by society’s standards) as they are. I’m not saying this is a good thing. But to me, it suggests that we all have a sense of how attractive society deems us to be. And with this knowledge, we mold our self-image into a particular size and shape, and then we seek out partners who confirm this self-image we’ve molded.
2. Energy Attraction 🌀
Someone’s “energy” refers to how they walk. It’s their personality. It’s the emotions they carry and the thoughts they articulate. It’s their interests. Their values. Their confidence. Their quirks, humor, and mannerisms.
Energy Attraction also bridges into Visual Attraction with a person’s aesthetic. How someone dresses can have a huge impact on your attraction to them.
You might get turned on by a dapper suit à la Denzel in American Gangster.
Or maybe tattoos and dyed hair catch your eye. (I’ve long had a crush on Avril Lavigne’s aesthetic.)
(Gotta love that angst!)
A person’s energy speaks to something deep in you—your creativity, your personality, and your soul (if that’s a thing for you).
But beware of the dangers.
Dangers of Energy Attraction:
Until you embark on some personal healing, you may be attracted to someone’s energy because they subconsciously remind you of a childhood, wound-based dynamic with a parent or older sibling.
For example, someone whose father never expressed love mind may find themself hooked into emotionally unavailable partners.
People often describe these types of connections as “fiery;” they feel intense, almost addictive.
More generally, anxiously attached people tend to pull in avoidant partners like magnets. And vice versa.
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3. Somatic Attraction 🫂
Maybe their face isn’t your favorite to look at. And maybe you’re not drawn to their energy either. But when your two bodies touch, skyrockets are in flight to planet pleasure 🚀 🪐
Have you ever had an experience with someone where all you have to do is touch their hand, and you feel an instant sexual spark?
Or have you ever hugged someone, and your bodies intuitively knew how to fit together like puzzle pieces? Where your nervous systems just relaxed each other?
In the same vein, have you noticed that some people’s BO smells like poisonous gas while others’ smell arousing in a strange animal way?
I was connecting with a woman once, and we had great conversational chemistry. We made long eye contact that felt intimate and arousing. That’s why I was so shocked when I first placed my hand on her thigh, and it had the same charge as if I were touching a sofa. Zilch! My body wasn’t attracted to her’s! (I think this was mutual).
I don’t know why your body likes certain other bodies. But there’s something worth paying attention to there.
4. Sexual Potential Attraction 🔥
To understand Sexual Potential Attraction, we need to talk about your core erotic theme. Which describes the feelings and dynamics that turn you on the most.
If you think of the hottest sexual experience you’ve had (or perhaps the porn you’re drawn to), what emotion was underpinning that experience, and giving charge to it?
For example, to some people, the hottest words a partner could ever utter are “I’ll love you until the end of time.” Their core erotic theme might be feeling special, loved, or chosen.
For others, the hottest words they could imagine hearing are “get on your knees.” Their core erotic theme could be powerlessness, surrender, or humiliation.
It can take a while to clarify your core erotic themes. But you probably already have some gist of what yours are.
When you meet someone that you suspect can readily fulfill one of your core erotic themes, then your embers start a-blazin’.
For example, if you’re the “get on your knees” type, and someone mentions their well-used pair of fuzzy handcuffs, your ears may perk up as your core erotic theme flashes “match! match! match!”
Why Does Understanding Your Attractions Matter? 🤔
Do you tend to end up with partners that you feel attracted to? If not, no shame at all. But it’s worth inquiring into why not.
Also, notice if being attracted to someone makes you act funny around them.
When you are attracted to a person, it can be easy to pedestal them and create a false, elevated image that you interact with instead of the person themself. They might seem like the funniest most charismatic person ever—but do you actually enjoy talking to them, or are you just attracted to them?
Also, the better you can see your attractions, the more skillfully you can be in platonic relationships when they are present. You can’t kill your attractions. But you can hold space for them and choose not to act from them.
How to Practice 🔎
Is there anyone in your life you are attracted to? If so, what type of attraction is it?
—Do you find them visually hot? (and is it by your standards or society’s?)
—Are you attracted to their energy and style?
—Is it a bodily, somatic attraction?
—Do you sense that they could fulfill a deep sexual desire of yours?
It can also be fun to play with this the next time you’re in a group of people (workshop, class, bar, etc). Just look around and notice who you feel attracted to, then slow down and ask yourself why.
Wanna stay connected?
Best of luck with your attractions!
If you found this interesting, I invite you to join my newsletter. I’ll send out a monthly essay on the topics of connection, sexuality, and personal growth.
Smell ya later!
💕 Mike