Many of us feel plagued by the insecurity that we’re not manly enough or not womanly enough.
These feelings can be especially poignant in sex.
Gender Pressures in Sex
People brought up as men might feel pressure to get erect right away and to stay erect. To always be ready for sex. They might feel pressure to not cum too soon, and they may feel like they need to be impeccably decisive.
People brought up as women might feel pressure to want sex when their partner wants it, or pressure to give their partner amazing pleasure, or pressure to always smell like a bed of roses.
These might not be the specific pressures you feel, but perhaps there are some gendered pressures you experience in sex (and life).
Feelings of Insecurity at Not Being Manly/Womanly Enough
And here’s the thing about gender pressures—when we don’t show up as the “perfect” model of a man or woman, the natural emotional response is insecurity. The insecurity of not being manly or womanly enough. This insecurity says that there is someone you are supposed to be that is different from who you are.
How Most People Respond to This Insecurity
The way most people attempt to solve this insecurity is to try to become more manly or more womanly.
Men might study sexual kung-fu practices to hold raging erections for hours or go to men’s retreats to become more decisive.
Women may learn to give the most amazing blow jobs ever or practice ways to become more enticing.
Why Trying to Be More “Masculine” or “Feminine” Doesn’t Work
But when men try to become more”masculine” and women try to become more “feminine” in order to be more attractive, this actually perpetuates the problem. It reinforces the impossible narrative that there is a perfect man or perfect woman out there that we should all strive to be. It sets us up for failure.
Instead of trying to become more “masculine” or “feminine,” there is a better response to the insecurity of not feeling manly or womanly enough. It is simply to…
The Best Way to Respond to Gender Pressures
Hold up a middle finger to the fictitious idea that there is such a thing as the perfect man or woman! 🖕🏻 And embrace the unique human you are, regardless of how it maps onto gender expectations.
Let’s say you are a man and you often experience indecision. You might feel insecure that your indecision is not manly. Instead of racing to become more decisive, can you first accept your indecision as a part of yourself? Can you embrace the quirky, imperfect set of traits that you are as a human?
And as a woman, maybe you experience body odor. Before attempting to hide your natural scents from your partner, can you first try to embrace that you are a human who sweats? Maybe learn to love your scent, and acknowledge that not everyone will.
I’m not saying people shouldn’t practice decisiveness or use deodorant. I do both of those things! But when we feel insecure about not being manly or womanly enough, before jumping to become “better,” try starting with this:
“This is the human I am. I am different than the supposedly perfect man/woman. But I don’t aspire to be that anyways. I just aspire to be me.”
If You’d Like Support
If you would like support in your journey with gender, sexuality, or relationship in any way, I’d love to help. Regardless of where you are at.
I am currently taking on new coaching clients, so if you have a spark of intrigue, please reach out by filling out this form and setting up a free discovery call.
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I hope today is a day where you can acknowledge your unique, quirky self and recognize that you don’t need to change anything about yourself to be awesome 💕✨
Mike